If I Should Ever Own a Puppy (It’d have to be a special one)

Were I to have a puppy,

I’d name him Doctor John

In account of his faithful nature

And his bountiful whiskers, all bristling in brown.

 

Come Wednesday morning, he would come

Bounding into the living room

Nibbling thoughtfully to himself

As he chewed over the latest piece of news

He’d pour over my medicine books

Leaving no spot undrooled on

And when he’d bark up trees I’d tell him

“Watson, you have made the wrong deduction –

You have fallen for a con.”

 

My sole friend, he would wait

For me. To finish what I hadn’t included in our plans

Patiently.

 

Were I to have a puppy,

His nickname would be James

I’d never have to heel him

He would do it by himself.

 

Every time I’d hide his favourite throwing stick

My puppy would just sit still and whine

He’d never find it by himself, though

“It’s elementary, bear boy” I’d lecture

“You must learn to use your nose.”

He’d only ever try that trick twice, as it would take him to the cranium

Hiding in my Persian slippers.

 

A thorough chap, he’d chase the cabbies

For miles round the streets in town

Until they’d reach their final destination,

Where he’d stop, puffing, and bark hello as I got down.

 

If I should ever own a puppy

It’d have to be this one

But till the day his path must cross mine

I swear,

I shall have no other companion.

So, yes, this is a bit of a parody of Holmes’ relationship with Watson, with as many little (bad) wordplays and allusions to both Sherlock the TV series (that I lurve <3) and to the original Conan Doyle books. This was an alternative I set for myself when the teacher asked us to write a piece titled “If I should Have A Daughter”, which is based on another Sarah Kay poem “Point B”. So I wrote this instead.

What is really funny/excruciating is that on my other piece, which was in no way Sherlock related, she commented, “it’s a bit like you’re standing on the edge of a precipice”….and all I could think of was Reichenbach Fall.

I Challenge You To Write A Better One.

To the Death (I’ll be the one saying I’m a fraud)

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One thought on “If I Should Ever Own a Puppy (It’d have to be a special one)

  1. […] to find that image of Sherlock Jumping (it deserves capitalisation) a couple of seconds ago, I saw some rather cool […]

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